On Mental Resilience
On Mental Resilience
I originally wrote this article in May 2019 at a very different stage in my life (27 years old). I decided to repost it since looking back much of the principles and content are timeless.
Since graduating from college, I’ve lived in three different countries for the past three years, working in unfamiliar environments and dealing with interesting people from various backgrounds. That has been the start of my professional career and my real start in life in some ways. Why all the changes? Well, that’s a good question. Let me just say the main reason is, that I set ambitious goals for myself and in chasing them I have (more often than not) found myself in uncomfortable circumstances. All this variation and the adjustment it entailed has been accompanied by its fair share of mental challenges. Curiosity helps in life. I have always enjoyed figuring things out. And so naturally I drifted towards the topic of mental health. In doing so, over time, I developed a wide array of “mental tools” that have helped me overcome the many challenges that have come my way. In hindsight, these situations have helped me grow personally and improve in ways I could not have otherwise. I thought I would share what I have learned (so far), what has worked for me, and which ultimately can hopefully serve as guidance for others. These notions have been molded by direct experience but rooted in advice from books, friends, family, professional athletes, role models, and many others that helped point me in the right direction. I should point out though that true evolution encompassed internalizing lessons through real experience as opposed to only understanding conceptually (more of a roadmap). There is a huge difference.
Past & Future: A recurring issue we face in terms of mental health in my view is contrasting our current situation against the past and the future. This usually happens when we are not pleased with the present state of things. We tend to dwell in a space thinking of an idealized past or a better future. There is nothing inherently wrong with either. It’s good to remember. We learn from experience and reminisce about good times. We can also picture probable outcomes of actions we will take and point to where we want to get to. The key though is not dwelling in that space. Thinking takes a lot of energy which we should use productively. The way our brains are wired, comparisons result in frustration, because (as is often the case) what’s real doesn’t match the other “better” scenarios. Yet this is just the mind playing tricks. If you stop to think about it, none of that is real. Memories and projections exist only in our heads. The past is already factored in the present and the future is yet to happen. The only instance that is actually real is the present moment. Where can you have a say or exert any influence on anything? The present moment. Therefore, both in terms of mental health and practicality, we should focus only on controlling what we can control, and secondly when we can control it. Worrying over a situation you can do nothing about just creates useless stress. We have to work with and from reality to get anywhere be it professionally, in a relationship, and so on. That’s the actual avenue to get to our goals and/or fantasies. Whenever possible we should try to transmute the mental energy of worry into deliberate action. Decide what it is you want, what you can do about it, and do it. Expectation tends to be more intense and stress-inducing than actuality (another mind trick). Whenever you catch yourself overthinking it helps to constantly refocus on the present moment. A good way to do this is by paying attention to your senses. Listening to the surroundings, sensing the temperature, feeling the pull of gravity on your body. When we are attentive and curious about what’s going on around us the mind shifts, and life starts to seem more interesting and less frustrating.
Attitude: From a practical standpoint it helps to tackle much of life with a positive attitude. Attitude affects the quality of our thinking, which in turn alters the quality of our actions. Think of a time you had an upcoming deadline approaching for an important project that you were responsible for. It can feel like ever-growing overwhelming waves coming at you. Note how this feeling is present before anything takes place. On one such occasion long ago in a sudden moment of clarity, I thought: “This is all in my head, I can reverse this dynamic right in here and focus on getting the situation to as positive an outcome as I can.” Taking the offense instead of going on defense. That was valuable insight from which I still reap benefits today. The right attitude takes the mind off the ludicrous fight or flight response caused by fear. In turn, the mind becomes clearer as energy from stress is released. From that state, we can influence the outcome in the way we see fit. Furthermore, we can enjoy the whole experience. Now, of course, you can’t expect attitude to carry the freight if you didn’t prepare for that meeting or studied for an exam. But otherwise, my advice is to play as if everything was in your favor. Take action from a mindset in which everything is preordained for your success. In your own experience, how are the results, when you act from a space of anger, fear, or stress? How are those when coming from clarity and belief of accomplishment? This is not always easy to do, and it would be delirious to think we can get rid of worry altogether, after all, it’s part of the human condition. Yet with enough consistency, we can train ourselves to handle fears better. Top performers in different areas know this all too well. Think of Michael Jordan hitting those championship-winning shots with 3 seconds left on the clock, stone cold. Or Cristiano Ronaldo scoring three goals by himself to reverse a 3–0 for his team. In both cases with all the expectation, pressure, and the eyes of the world looking at them. It starts with attitude, believing that it can happen, that you can make it happen, and that it will go well. Complementary to cultivating a positive attitude a useful trick is to train the mind to focus on the process as opposed to the outcome. What do I mean by this? Once you know what you have to do and the belief that you can do it, shift all of your focus and energy to performing. If you want to climb a mountain and look at the summit, it will look impossible. The mental strain is too heavy. But conversely, if you just focus intensely on every step while you are doing it to the best of your ability before you know it you reach the top. No amount of energy is invested in expectation and belief is already taken care of. In other cases, i.e., a vacation it helps us to enjoy the experience more vividly. To a large extent, mental health is about lifting mental burdens, focusing on planting, and in good time you will sow.
Fear: Perhaps the most pervasive mental health challenge that hampers the quality of our living is the difficulty of overcoming fears. An old saying goes: “Fear and regret kill many men before their time.” And this is, in my view true. Fear is dangerous because it creates an illusion of hopelessness, which is paralyzing. Which, in turn, holds people back from taking on important challenges or rising up to uncomfortable situations. The same illusion also holds us back from taking actions we might enjoy or want to take: Asking for that raise, approaching the girl you like, asking for help, making that call. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” is more of a cold hard fact than a cliché. This fear-induced paralysis squashes a lot of our potential. Obviously, there are genuine fears rooted in reality. What I’m saying though is for the most part fear is a magnified illusion created by our mind. Take the fear of rejection as an example. How bad is it really to get turned down for trying? Is it worse than not having tried, and not knowing if it could have worked? Which one is more important to you? What does that say about you? What if it did actually work? Is the worst-case scenario that bad? Or is it just your ego getting hurt? Something to think about… Former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson has the following rule (I’m paraphrasing here): “Whenever I catch myself not taking on a challenge because of fear, I automatically reverse myself and go for it. That has made all the difference in the big moments in my life.” A good tool to break this mental barrier was proposed by the Stoics and famously by Steve Jobs. Memento Mori, in other words: it helps to remember that life is short, and we are going to die anyway. You only get one ride (as far as we know). External expectations, pride, fear of embarrassment, or failure are all meaningless when framed in that perspective, which by the way is as real as it gets. As Steve Jobs put it: “You are already naked; there is no reason not to follow your heart.” It helps to remember to leverage that tool whenever you feel fear is holding you back to your detriment. Next comes action. Do what you have to do. What else is there? 99% of the time, whatever problems/situations won’t just “go away” or “come about.” Also, with few exceptions the sooner you deal with a situation the better. Obstacles tend to build up, the so-called snowball effect. By taking action you start to move towards resolution (or getting to a goal), while at the same time freeing up significant mental space from all the thinking about the problem. Thought has its place, but then it’s all about decision and action. Through action, especially those we know we have to take (but are hard for us to do), we generate momentum. Removing a big obstacle or worry frees up a lot of space in our heads and creates confidence. Think of a time you delivered on a big project at school or at work, and all of a sudden that weight that was hanging over your head is lifted. Especially if you did it well. At the same time, a signal of confidence is delivered to your subconscious: you did it! In my experience, both those effects in conjunction, create a powerful tailwind. This boost, however, is short-lived, so we have to recognize it, and take advantage of it. How? Use that confidence boost to tackle the next big thing and/or smaller things you have been putting off (go to the gym, eat well) and as you do them more logs are added to the fire. Over time the more confidence builds and the more positive changes you start creating in your life. At a certain point, that feeling becomes addictive, you can’t get enough of it. Without realizing you have transformed for the better and have advanced more than you ever imagined. All it takes is seizing that moment, mustering up the energy for that first push, and building on it!
We become by doing: Cognitive dissonance and the principle of consistency are useful concepts to learn from social psychology. As in most things, they are only useful when applied (and rather fun, honestly). Basically, we become, change, and evolve by doing more so than by thinking. Actions shape our identity subconsciously. Our brains are wired to find consistency, especially concerning our identity. When there’s a conflict between your self-perception and how you’re actually behaving, you experience dissonance or tension, and your brain moves to close the gap by shifting how you feel about yourself to match how you’re acting. So, for example, Let’s say you are a shy person, and you constantly make the effort to behave confidently in social settings over and over again. At a certain point, your mind, in resolving the dissonance and creating consistency, signals to your subconscious: “You are a confident person.” It’s much like programming a machine, and it works! The reverse is also true and applies to every aspect: Security vs. insecurity, assiduity vs. sloth. So, it helps to ask yourself: What would the ideal version of myself do? Why don’t I do it? It also helps to have courage and a positive attitude; the more your actions are consistent with your ideal self, these traits get ingrained deep into your identity. That explains to a large extent why winners generally keep winning, or why it’s easier for them to keep winning. It’s harder for doubt to creep in. Win for long enough, and it becomes part of you.
Perspective: Another useful trick is regularly keeping things in perspective. Each of us tends to get overinvested in our own narrative. As explained earlier, our mind is continuously playing tricks by aggravating problems or magnifying situations. Mostly, nothing is as extreme as it seems to be; our mind makes it so. Our emotions and perceptions are frequently influenced by factors we don’t pay much attention such as lack of sleep, stress, and even the weather. Such factors soften the mind and make us react irrationally. An example that sticks out in my mind is when couples fight. In the heat of the moment, statements such as “We will never speak again” are uttered. Sure, enough two weeks later, they are back together. Not always, but you get the point. So, it’s important never to make important decisions in “low moments.” People tend to go a little nuts. There are many possible solutions to problems or situations in which that heightened state of mind blinds us from seeing, as we are not able to think clearly. A similar illusion comes from what I call false past conditioning. It’s common, for example, that we don’t want to go back to a café where we received bad news. But if you think about it, that is utterly ridiculous. There is no causation between the café and the news. In much the same way, people usually resent a person who delivers bad news (that is why, in antiquity messengers were often executed). There are many factors influencing situations. People create complexes from having been rejected or not succeeding when, in many cases, it has nothing to do with them. Keep perspective of the many factors at play (including luck) to try and draw the right lessons from experience. Any action you take or conclusion you make stemming from anger, fear, or resentment is likely to be influenced by such emotions. Also, people like to be definitive “I only get one shot at this.” The truth is sometimes you do and sometimes you get 3 or 4 or 10. I can think of two periods in my life. Once, I was applying to different jobs and getting lots of interviews, but I wasn’t getting hired. In another previous period I was working on my own project, but came across an interesting job opening, I applied and got it on the first try. Obviously, the first approach is more likely to work, and we should operate under certain assumptions, frameworks, and principles to be more effective. The point I’m trying to make, though is don’t get frustrated. As much as there are correlations and trends, not everything is as linear as we would like it to be. We live in an unpredictable world full of randomness and contradictions; just ask any statistician. Therefore, the more you keep an open mind, the better you can deal with reality as it is. Strength of mind entails keeping perspective and not letting small frustrations permeate confidence. Remember to keep a small window of thought open to how random the world is. It makes us more creative in our thinking. Sometimes all it takes is that one last attempt or trying out that crazy idea. Everything is constantly changing and moving. So when despairing, ask yourself questions to find perspective. How bad is it really? Are there actually things I can do about it? Will it matter a week from now? A year from now? If you were a bystander looking at the situation, would it seem as bad? What will I think about it in the morning? Was it my fault, or were there other factors at play? It also helps to get perspective from other people who are not invested in the situation because they will give us more of an unbiased view. A final reminder of keeping perspective: What is real? This moment. And by the way, you can only go forward. Whether we like it or not its always day 1, moment 1. Time won’t let you go back. So what are you going to spend your energy on?
Connection and support systems: A useful fact to remember in terms of mental health is that everybody is going through something. We tend to think of our own situations and challenges in isolation. And this creates a feeling of desolation: we must be doing something wrong. However, it is astounding how widespread and common most of these problems are. They are part of the human condition. People have been dealing with all sorts of mental problems for centuries. There is a reason psychology is a major research field and practical psychology a profession. I think it helps to keep that in mind, it’s not something inherently wrong about any one person. Once we know that, it is only natural to think people have been finding solutions or ways to cope that we can look for and use to our advantage. More importantly though in order to overcome such challenges it’s important to share. Human beings are social animals and, in many instances, work through things better by sharing and discussing. Usually, people feel ashamed of doing so, with good reason. It is quite personal. So, I’m not advocating you go and shout from the rooftops. But again, the fact it is, it helps to discuss these things to get through them. Getting them out of your system. Even for the fact that sometimes we might be getting a wrong read on a situation that someone not as invested emotionally or with more experience may help clarify. The natural choice is to go for someone who is close and whom you trust. Be reminded though that 3 times divorced “Aunt Frida” may come from a good place, but she’s not likely to give you good relationship advice. So, choosing the right sources it's important. As a general rule, I would advise discussing such matters with strong-minded people you can recognize and/or people who have overcome similar challenges successfully. A track record if you will. Also, focus on the goal, do you want to solve it? What is standing in your way? If it’s the shame of sharing it comes down to what’s more important: your reluctance or overcoming the problem. It’s as simple as that. On that note, the major challenges I have found are overcome by going to the heart of the matter, the “eye of the storm” if you will. This involves first and foremost having to look at yourself in the mirror. Your errors, your flaws, your fears. Not putting on any masks (rationalizations, excuses, or justifications). Again, this is difficult for most people to do, it takes courage. But again, that’s the only way. It’s not about judging it’s about acknowledging objectively. Recognizing what is going on for what it is and finding ways to move forward. If you don’t acknowledge these things, you inherently don’t want to recognize them as problems and won’t work to solve them. Progress is usually uncomfortable. Training the mind is much like training the body in that it's uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful at first. Furthermore, you don’t really see a difference unless you push yourself to break through your boundaries for long enough. Over time though you come out the other side a more evolved human being.
Closing thoughts: The only person we are all stuck with for every minute of every hour for the rest of our lives is ourselves. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance to build a healthy relationship with our own selves. Each of us stars in the movie of our life, and as far as we know we only get one. The joys of life, building great relationships with others, our work, and overcoming challenges, all come down to self-respect and a healthy mind. That’s why mental health is so important, we have to take care of the main frame, from which all of the rest stems. Having said that, how you talk to yourself matters. We stimulate our actions, direct our actions, and evaluate our actions. We frame how we think through language. Does replacing “This is so difficult, I don’t think I can do this” with “Let's figure this out. Why not?” make a difference? I think it does, and so does a bunch of research. I won’t get into all of that and rather encourage you to try it yourself, at the very least keep it in mind when you detect negative self-chatter. However, you look at it, despair, resentment, self-pity, and such mindsets are disastrous ways of thought. Self-pity is closely related to paranoia. You can be going through a terrible circumstance, and rest assured self-pity is not going to improve the situation. Yet it is so common. As in most things, you can train yourself out of it. As I began to write this article a torrent of ideas began pouring out. I could be writing on this topic nonstop. But I just thought I would summarize some of the more important lessons. By the way, speaking of relatedness most of the topics I wrote about are inherently related and work best when used in conjunction. Positive self-talk can help overcome initial fears and lead to action which in turn creates momentum which can be sustained with the right attitude and leads to new perspectives. Remember to have fun. If life were plain, it would be boring. People will recognize that a hard-fought victory tastes different than a stroke of luck. Sometimes you get both! Now are the last two sentences reframing situations for the better? You bet, and why not? It’s my choice and more useful after all.
Pedro Marín Campero, Cofounder of Landa Club
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